An Early Morning Posting

It is 5:30 right now, though I have been awake for about an hour. Couldn't sleep. Trying to figure out God's plan for me (pah-leese) keeps me up at night.

Will I ever learn? Apparently not.

In some ways, I must be a tough nut to crack. I keep asking what He wants for me, instead of living the life He wants for me. What a pain I must be. Have you ever heard the saying, "Let go, let God"? So simple, a total act of faith.

And I have a problem just ... doing it. Not always, but I do waver. In a word, I want what I want. OK, that is more than 1 word, but you get the idea.

I have to watch money, like a squirrel with acorns. I don't have any issues at all with finances, but the fact I have / had to dip into my liquid savings for 38 cents pisses me off like you can't believe.

So, listen to this logic: I was let go from a job I hated to start with....

I was given a severance....

I started a new job the day my severance ran out....

My income, for now, dropped to one sixth of what it was....

Building this thing up will take time....

I have the patience of a gnat.

That pretty much says it all.

So, what keeps me up at night?

~ well, on my behalf, I was smarter than the confused people I worked with and had been socking money away for a year. This was in anticipation they could do something stupidly shortsighted.

They never failed me yet ...

One can almost always count on corporate stupidity. It is like a disease that affects executives. I have seen it so many times. Probably why I am not there anymore: my contempt was always just below the surface for a few of them. Would I do anything for them, if need be, in love? Yes. Do I like them? Heck no. I acted like a Christian 99% of the time. Maybe it was 20 years of that 1% that did me in.

All I know is I have to think about things I rarely had to think of before. My initial thought is they put me in this position. I was very close with these people and this is how they paid me back. It seems like a contradiction, contempt vs loyalty. Loyalty always prevailed, and this is where it got me, typing at 5:30.

But, if I reflect for just 1 second, I realize they enacted God's plan for me. They were pawns. I say this laughingly, but if I had the chance to tell them this, I am not sure how they'd handle it. It would be spiritually great for them to know this. Maybe they do. I guess this is where our obligation comes in: the need to pray for them to be made aware of exactly how they fit into the plan. Not just as it relates to me, but to Him. Once we submit to that, the rest is window dressing.

I just got an answer I was seeking: my obligation, personally (accept and love) and outwardly (how this initiates forgiveness, a gift of the Holy Spirit). Thank you, Lord. I am sitting here typing and you changed me. This entry was a plea, though I did not know it when I started. As usual, You touched me when I wasn't looking. And I am better for it.

Your plan for me is a perfect one. How I get to where you want me is a journey. You are always there for me. I turn it all over to You. I have kinda almost been there already, but doubt creeps in. A teeny bit can seem like an avalanche. Time I wised up.

The acceptance of His will is everything. Do you see a pattern here??? I have the same entry, it seems, every time, but with a different scenario. It always comes down to this: an increase in faith is needed. When I ask, the Holy Spirit drops on my like a vail. I keep asking and the Holy Spirit keeps descending. Maybe that is the answer, too. Human. Waver. Ask. Get. A cycle, that each time gets easier. Spiritual maturity? Me? Maybe. Maybe I am figuring it all out, with His help. Without it, I am nothing.

God bless,
KJPrice

Quiet Despair is a Terrible Thing, But We Are Never Alone

Please start by reading this poem, and then I will tell you more about it.

"My Concrete Pillow and Bed of Stone"

Here I lay on a mattress of man made stone.

Cold, bare and hungry, nowhere to belong.

Oh, God, please end this wretched pain.

Give me the shelter of angels wings from this tormenting rain.

Master, what have I done to deserve this kind of despair?

Do you really love me; are You even there?

Here I lay, on this mattress of man made stone, with a concrete pillow for my head.

Praying for forgiveness, wishing every moment I were dead.

It seems that I no longer have the strength or will to fight.

I put down my guard to submit, to simply give up.

But my soul refuses to stay down; to say enough is enough.

I will grit my teeth. I will clench my fist. I will stand my own ground.

I will be there, in the front line on the battlefield when the trumpet sounds.

For I am no longer weak.

I am no longer blind.

Nor a slave to any substance.

I will achieve by all means

to come out of this living nightmare, to pursue my dreams.

Along with 3 others (and I have been conflicted with other duties to say I am a regular mentor right now), we have a creative writing class at the homeless shelter. This work is from one of the contributors, Charles Alex Duff. Alex has a story much bigger than this to tell. This is only one aspect. It is easy to read this and see the intellect, which is real, the smarts, also real and wonder how did this happen to him?

I leave these answers to the one who can answer them. We each have a cross to bear (a gift, truly) and this, for now, is his. Our work is to help where we can, probably in small ways, if that. The effort is appreciated by God, and this matters a lot.

Alex and the group came together by God's will. I would never have known Alex or the others, probably. But the gift is present and we need to work it. The next time we look at anyone and sense something is not quite right, we should say a prayer that whatever it is eventually has meaning, and that suffering, as in this case, is not without purpose.

God Bless You,

KJPrice

Writer's Block

Gee, has it been over two and a half months since I had something even remotely important to say? I guess so. Well, Here's ................ Johnny !!!!

It is amazing how focusing on one's self -- while trying to give one's all to those around you -- can obsess you. That's me. I can't get my mind off where I am. So, as expected, I participate in those exercises that keep me close to what matters: God, and family (and friends). I am in a spot where I would rather do my ministry for the less fortunate than anything else ... like work. I suppose this is why it is called work and not a holiday. I have a new job that will take pioneering (not like covered wagon pioneering -- no way, I stay in nice hotels -- but focused effort, with gratification way delayed). To marketing guys, delayed grat just ain't where it is at.

BUT, I am here, because He wants me here. Somewhere, lurking in the darkness (where it is actually well lighted, but not for me) is an answer to this moment of where I am in time. God, whom I love more than anything, has a clear plan for me. My job, as a human, is not to see it yet. I see pieces, I see what I have been through the last 5 months, the ups and downs, and I see what I am expected to see. I can tell you what I have learned.

He wants dialogue.

He wants me to lean on Him. You are reading the words of a person who is genetically resistant to leaning on anyone. I have to give up that part of myself. I have been doing it, but it is slow and painstaking. The rewards are gigantic, but I am obsessed with today. And, this, too, shall pass.

I was called today by my advocacy group to see if I could be the desk guy on Thursdays at the shelter. Let me give you an idea of how good I am at that: I spent 30 minutes there the other day .. and gave everyone the wrong answer to every question. What if they came back expecting something and I scheduled them wrong? One more twit in the giant bureaucracy standing in their path. I will do it anyway, but I want everyone to know what they are getting. My heart is in the right place, though. And I get tremendous gratification helping anyone, if even in a small way.

I mentor creative writing, but I do have a job that needs attention. I can't be any other way. But, I have to budget my time. Where will I do the most good? I just need to leave this up to the Lord and sit back and wait. I can do this. I will do nothing, without His OK. Nothing. I am where I am, who I am, how I am, with His blessing. I have flaws and I regret them. I owe Him so much more than this. I have to balance my good efforts against my weaker ones. On the ledger sheet in heaven, I hope I am recognized, on balance, of having gone to the good and not to the other. This is the blessing I wish for.

God bless,
KJPrice

The Forest and the Trees

I'll bet God is sick of me asking what He has in store for me. I say this tongue in cheek, but I also ... keep asking. My life, on its surface, has become a complete mystery to me. I am trying to live it, pray as I can and just let it go on with God's grace. Sounds so simple.

It isn't, for me, at least.

In my last entry, I mentioned letting go and not letting ridiculous, transitory emotions get the best of me. So much for that arrogance. They got to me but good. I can't explain it. I have asked God to explain His plan to me and why this crucible?. He has, in small segments. I accept His plan, the revelation of all this. It may have already happened, but I have not seen it yet. I may not ever or for a very long time. It will, I know, become clear to me. I am not a patient person and my faith -- my turning over myself -- doesn't always happen easily. I regret being so unwilling. I have always had thoughts or emotions that cut both ways. I may not even understand myself or why this is. It is, and I accept it. Maybe the Greeks wrote something about this idiosyncracy? Since I am no different than anyone else, which is a humbling thought, maybe I need to look at this, being the same as everyone else.

Part of the plan was me being flat on my back for 8 weeks (approx) with a major eye problem. So, look at this: no job, laying down, time to think too much, healing very slowly (still am). Talk about a chain of events unsuited to my personality. "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures beside still waters". Now I know what that really means; He makes me. No way I would have done this on my own. So, this event, like everything else in my life, has a purpose.

Faith, which comes by Grace, is a truly beautiful thing. Maybe this is a large part of the experience? The Love that comes from Grace? The utter belief? Faith in the plan. Wavering is OK. Tidal wavering is not OK. There are trees in that forest and I can see some of them.

I have my family who need me desperately and I, most assuredly, them. I have a new addition named Sammy. I have friends that love me. I have friends I love and care about and I draw a lot of good feeling from this. Being there in any capacity for them is a very rewarding thing. I have a great spiritual advisor, Bro. Tom Juneman. I have Jesus. He loves me, too. Now, I have to love Him back by following His lead. The rest will fall into place. Keep to the example; the blessing will abundantly follow.

God bless,
KJPrice

Long Night's Journey Into Day

OK, here it is, right between the eyes for me (as it should be): if the Blessed Mother can stand at the foot of the cross and see her son tortured and murdered, and never question God's will or His methods, who am I to be thinking He forgot about me and that His will does not define my life?

He didn't; it all came from me.

I wavered. I became a mealy mouthed twit. I did not spread the word around, because I wanted to make sure mentally I did not doubt for a second and wished to remain an example to others. This being the least I should take out of this whole experience of job loss.

Mentally, I didn't waver. This was a routine test that I am too smart to acquiesce to. I didn't share my momentary doubts with anyone. I tried to make a pact with myself that my emotions, no matter where they led me, unless they reflected positively on God or myself, I would ignore them. But, Satan is a subtle little monster who feeds on despair. And I will never give him that satisfaction, as he lay in wait for folks who have hit a wall and start to doubt.

The crumb.

(PS if we ever meet, he is going to give me a lot of payback, because I have dissed him so many times, he'd love to get his hot little hands on me. If we do meet, I hope I get to smack him in the mouth first).

If the Blessed Mother could accept God's will totally, how could I not do the same because I lost a job ... that I hated to start with?? When one writes it down, it is almost impossible to accept my mental state as a true believer. I came to my senses, as best I could. I even feel better.

God has counted the hairs on my head and everyone else's, who has ever lived or is living or will ever live ... and I think He may have forgotten about me for a second? WHAT??? Like He left me in the abyss? If our Blessed Mother could accept such horror, I can't believe what I worry about.

It is over. No matter what, I will pay no heed to doubt. In the short time I have been starting a new direction, I have come up against bureaucracy and reverse discrimination, little tests of my mettle. Jesus shares His cross with those he loves. It can be a crucible (though, in this case, that is a little strong i.e torture vs job loss). Calvary (again a little strong) is a gift to us. The sharing of it brings us close to Him.

I was in the darkness, though briefly. Now, I am in the light, despite the tests to put me back in the dark. I have to listen to people pontificate about why I am not right for a particular job (though I could run circles around them, blindfolded and hogtied). And my family is safe and warm in God's love. I have yet to be tested. I believe I have, but I clearly have not. Perspective is everything. All is well in the hands of God and good with the people He loves. This drama is nothing, comparatively speaking. I understand that now, because I asked Him to make me understand.

And, He did. See how ridiculous doubt is? I'm embarrassed by my behavior. Learn from me. He has me exactly where He wants me, and there is everything right with that. I want it no other way, now or ever.

God Bless,
KJPrice

Keeping the Faith is an Ongoing Effort

I had a theology class today for about 5 hours. a) I didn't know it would be that long, because I was carefully planning what I was going to eat for lunch when I got there at 9am (this is an continuing effort for me to beat "yesterday's lunch") and b) they said let's skip lunch and work right through. I didn't want to be the only one screaming to be let out, commonly referred to as a "wet blanket". I had thoughts of Mediterranean food dancing in my head. Well, that's what Jesus ate, right??? I am suffering only partial guilt.

The class was great. It was called New Testament Theology and if one teaches CCD, as I do, it was suggested to take it. Sure. How did I know you actually receive a credit in the diocese for being a stellar participant and get a little certificate?? Pay dirt!!! Who knew? I just wanted to be there. I can always learn something. I have 3 other courses to take and I will eat well beforehand now, while keeping the hummus fantasies in check. .

I won't get into the subject matter but the sequence of the gospels is very interesting as well as the communities they were addressing. If you want details, ask me. I was fascinated. I eat this stuff up.

While I was sitting there, I was thinking through the fact I was recently offered early retirement. Read: retire or we will retire you. The market for me dried up. I was actually praying for this day. Then, I got it. I feel pretty dern great except for one little detail: the impatience I have for waiting to find out what meaningful thing I will do next. I have been planning for months, but the timing is not mine. What I was doing, except for the interpersonal side of things, lacked a whole lot of meaning for me; like everyone else's job, I imagine. The work enabled me, however, to do lots of things: nice house, vacations, FOOD, fun, FOOD, volunteer work, FOOD, biking (had a wreck yesterday trying to avoid a turtle. I am not making that up. The poor thing literally peed himself and ran, seriously, ran, for his life. Do you remember the turtle in Bye Bye Birdy that ran the 100 in like 4 seconds? Think that. I have never seen a turtle run like that ... as I was picking gravel out of my backside. My riding partner literally went flying into the woods head first. His bike needs a couple of repairs as does his cerebellum).

But what I was thinking intermittently was what is in store for me. I have no worries about money for a long time; at least 9 months, if not a lot more. Maybe never. So here's the bottom line: if God didn't want me here, I wouldn't be here. I have to stay focused on this. I also have to stay focused on the fact if I am bothered, go to Him and realize, even in a small way, the cross is to be borne. The rebirth awaits, thereafter. How great is that??

I may be writing a sequel to my first book and put them in the same volume in paperback. I may have to travel to Philly in August and I am driving, just like the first Odyssey. New perspectives to be had. Maybe the Idiot actually grew a brain. Part of which I will give to my riding partner, since his is still on the pavement by that poor turtle, who, no doubt, suffered some sort of reptilian heart attack.

Pray for me to be strong in faith. I am asking because I want to. And need to. I can not be deterred. I owe that much, at least.

God bless,
KJPrice

Vigilance of God's Angels

I am sure that anyone who reads my blog and I mention riding my bike, one thought must spring to the reader's mind: what did this idiot do to himself this time?? Fair enough. But in my own defense serious biking can create problems like accidents. No, I didn't have one this time. No pigeons to the head either. That's a plus. Or dopey squirrels in my spokes as they run back and forth trying to make up their minds.

When you ride as much as I do, you get to evaluate the behavior of runners, bikers, drivers, vespa-ers, women with hardly any clothes, men with hardly any clothes (though I truly wish some of them would add rather than subtract ... yikes !!!), triathletes, bird feeders, bird feeding triathletes, wannabes, neverweres, couldn'tbes, glad they aints, etc. Quite a cross section.

As I am doing my miles and feeling older by the minute, sometimes my mind wonders. I think about work, family, friends; you know the drill. My real job is not real terrific right now. I mean compared to losing a limb, I guess it is paradise on earth. I was told by someone that before our feet hit the floor in the morning, we should thank God for another day. Another day to love, to forgive, to imitate Him. At night, to do a comparison of how you did. It is a nice habit to get into, and I am trying to stay with it.

Sometimes, I do a rosary as I ride. My brain is so addled, I have to count each decade with each finger as I work the gears. I am sure sometimes I do 9 or 11 or forget a "Glory Be" or say it wrong. I am told the intention is what counts. Boy, I hope so.

Today, before I did the last decade, I said to the Blessed Mother: teach me to trust like you did. Please. Teach me to trust. I give my life to Jesus thru you, Blessed Mother. Please intercede for me.

I was one Hail Mary into my last decade, was riding on the left side of the road past a parked car. It was at that moment, the driver decided to make .... a left. I missed the car by about a foot and went riding up someone's lawn (at 22mph), then over slippery gravel that would have torn me up. No doubt had that person hit me (they didn't even stop, btw), no doubt I would have been splattered all over the windshield and crippled by the bumper. Possibly dead. Very possibly.

Blessed Mother: teach me to trust. Need I say more? His angel saved me. I asked and He sent His angel because the Blessed Mother heard me. What do you think? It was about 15 seconds after I asked.

God bless,
KJPrice