Gee, has it been over two and a half months since I had something even remotely important to say? I guess so. Well, Here's ................ Johnny !!!!
It is amazing how focusing on one's self -- while trying to give one's all to those around you -- can obsess you. That's me. I can't get my mind off where I am. So, as expected, I participate in those exercises that keep me close to what matters: God, and family (and friends). I am in a spot where I would rather do my ministry for the less fortunate than anything else ... like work. I suppose this is why it is called work and not a holiday. I have a new job that will take pioneering (not like covered wagon pioneering -- no way, I stay in nice hotels -- but focused effort, with gratification way delayed). To marketing guys, delayed grat just ain't where it is at.
BUT, I am here, because He wants me here. Somewhere, lurking in the darkness (where it is actually well lighted, but not for me) is an answer to this moment of where I am in time. God, whom I love more than anything, has a clear plan for me. My job, as a human, is not to see it yet. I see pieces, I see what I have been through the last 5 months, the ups and downs, and I see what I am expected to see. I can tell you what I have learned.
He wants dialogue.
He wants me to lean on Him. You are reading the words of a person who is genetically resistant to leaning on anyone. I have to give up that part of myself. I have been doing it, but it is slow and painstaking. The rewards are gigantic, but I am obsessed with today. And, this, too, shall pass.
I was called today by my advocacy group to see if I could be the desk guy on Thursdays at the shelter. Let me give you an idea of how good I am at that: I spent 30 minutes there the other day .. and gave everyone the wrong answer to every question. What if they came back expecting something and I scheduled them wrong? One more twit in the giant bureaucracy standing in their path. I will do it anyway, but I want everyone to know what they are getting. My heart is in the right place, though. And I get tremendous gratification helping anyone, if even in a small way.
I mentor creative writing, but I do have a job that needs attention. I can't be any other way. But, I have to budget my time. Where will I do the most good? I just need to leave this up to the Lord and sit back and wait. I can do this. I will do nothing, without His OK. Nothing. I am where I am, who I am, how I am, with His blessing. I have flaws and I regret them. I owe Him so much more than this. I have to balance my good efforts against my weaker ones. On the ledger sheet in heaven, I hope I am recognized, on balance, of having gone to the good and not to the other. This is the blessing I wish for.
God bless,
KJPrice
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The Forest and the Trees
I'll bet God is sick of me asking what He has in store for me. I say this tongue in cheek, but I also ... keep asking. My life, on its surface, has become a complete mystery to me. I am trying to live it, pray as I can and just let it go on with God's grace. Sounds so simple.
It isn't, for me, at least.
In my last entry, I mentioned letting go and not letting ridiculous, transitory emotions get the best of me. So much for that arrogance. They got to me but good. I can't explain it. I have asked God to explain His plan to me and why this crucible?. He has, in small segments. I accept His plan, the revelation of all this. It may have already happened, but I have not seen it yet. I may not ever or for a very long time. It will, I know, become clear to me. I am not a patient person and my faith -- my turning over myself -- doesn't always happen easily. I regret being so unwilling. I have always had thoughts or emotions that cut both ways. I may not even understand myself or why this is. It is, and I accept it. Maybe the Greeks wrote something about this idiosyncracy? Since I am no different than anyone else, which is a humbling thought, maybe I need to look at this, being the same as everyone else.
Part of the plan was me being flat on my back for 8 weeks (approx) with a major eye problem. So, look at this: no job, laying down, time to think too much, healing very slowly (still am). Talk about a chain of events unsuited to my personality. "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures beside still waters". Now I know what that really means; He makes me. No way I would have done this on my own. So, this event, like everything else in my life, has a purpose.
Faith, which comes by Grace, is a truly beautiful thing. Maybe this is a large part of the experience? The Love that comes from Grace? The utter belief? Faith in the plan. Wavering is OK. Tidal wavering is not OK. There are trees in that forest and I can see some of them.
I have my family who need me desperately and I, most assuredly, them. I have a new addition named Sammy. I have friends that love me. I have friends I love and care about and I draw a lot of good feeling from this. Being there in any capacity for them is a very rewarding thing. I have a great spiritual advisor, Bro. Tom Juneman. I have Jesus. He loves me, too. Now, I have to love Him back by following His lead. The rest will fall into place. Keep to the example; the blessing will abundantly follow.
God bless,
KJPrice
It isn't, for me, at least.
In my last entry, I mentioned letting go and not letting ridiculous, transitory emotions get the best of me. So much for that arrogance. They got to me but good. I can't explain it. I have asked God to explain His plan to me and why this crucible?. He has, in small segments. I accept His plan, the revelation of all this. It may have already happened, but I have not seen it yet. I may not ever or for a very long time. It will, I know, become clear to me. I am not a patient person and my faith -- my turning over myself -- doesn't always happen easily. I regret being so unwilling. I have always had thoughts or emotions that cut both ways. I may not even understand myself or why this is. It is, and I accept it. Maybe the Greeks wrote something about this idiosyncracy? Since I am no different than anyone else, which is a humbling thought, maybe I need to look at this, being the same as everyone else.
Part of the plan was me being flat on my back for 8 weeks (approx) with a major eye problem. So, look at this: no job, laying down, time to think too much, healing very slowly (still am). Talk about a chain of events unsuited to my personality. "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures beside still waters". Now I know what that really means; He makes me. No way I would have done this on my own. So, this event, like everything else in my life, has a purpose.
Faith, which comes by Grace, is a truly beautiful thing. Maybe this is a large part of the experience? The Love that comes from Grace? The utter belief? Faith in the plan. Wavering is OK. Tidal wavering is not OK. There are trees in that forest and I can see some of them.
I have my family who need me desperately and I, most assuredly, them. I have a new addition named Sammy. I have friends that love me. I have friends I love and care about and I draw a lot of good feeling from this. Being there in any capacity for them is a very rewarding thing. I have a great spiritual advisor, Bro. Tom Juneman. I have Jesus. He loves me, too. Now, I have to love Him back by following His lead. The rest will fall into place. Keep to the example; the blessing will abundantly follow.
God bless,
KJPrice
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Long Night's Journey Into Day
OK, here it is, right between the eyes for me (as it should be): if the Blessed Mother can stand at the foot of the cross and see her son tortured and murdered, and never question God's will or His methods, who am I to be thinking He forgot about me and that His will does not define my life?
He didn't; it all came from me.
I wavered. I became a mealy mouthed twit. I did not spread the word around, because I wanted to make sure mentally I did not doubt for a second and wished to remain an example to others. This being the least I should take out of this whole experience of job loss.
Mentally, I didn't waver. This was a routine test that I am too smart to acquiesce to. I didn't share my momentary doubts with anyone. I tried to make a pact with myself that my emotions, no matter where they led me, unless they reflected positively on God or myself, I would ignore them. But, Satan is a subtle little monster who feeds on despair. And I will never give him that satisfaction, as he lay in wait for folks who have hit a wall and start to doubt.
The crumb.
(PS if we ever meet, he is going to give me a lot of payback, because I have dissed him so many times, he'd love to get his hot little hands on me. If we do meet, I hope I get to smack him in the mouth first).
If the Blessed Mother could accept God's will totally, how could I not do the same because I lost a job ... that I hated to start with?? When one writes it down, it is almost impossible to accept my mental state as a true believer. I came to my senses, as best I could. I even feel better.
God has counted the hairs on my head and everyone else's, who has ever lived or is living or will ever live ... and I think He may have forgotten about me for a second? WHAT??? Like He left me in the abyss? If our Blessed Mother could accept such horror, I can't believe what I worry about.
It is over. No matter what, I will pay no heed to doubt. In the short time I have been starting a new direction, I have come up against bureaucracy and reverse discrimination, little tests of my mettle. Jesus shares His cross with those he loves. It can be a crucible (though, in this case, that is a little strong i.e torture vs job loss). Calvary (again a little strong) is a gift to us. The sharing of it brings us close to Him.
I was in the darkness, though briefly. Now, I am in the light, despite the tests to put me back in the dark. I have to listen to people pontificate about why I am not right for a particular job (though I could run circles around them, blindfolded and hogtied). And my family is safe and warm in God's love. I have yet to be tested. I believe I have, but I clearly have not. Perspective is everything. All is well in the hands of God and good with the people He loves. This drama is nothing, comparatively speaking. I understand that now, because I asked Him to make me understand.
And, He did. See how ridiculous doubt is? I'm embarrassed by my behavior. Learn from me. He has me exactly where He wants me, and there is everything right with that. I want it no other way, now or ever.
God Bless,
KJPrice
He didn't; it all came from me.
I wavered. I became a mealy mouthed twit. I did not spread the word around, because I wanted to make sure mentally I did not doubt for a second and wished to remain an example to others. This being the least I should take out of this whole experience of job loss.
Mentally, I didn't waver. This was a routine test that I am too smart to acquiesce to. I didn't share my momentary doubts with anyone. I tried to make a pact with myself that my emotions, no matter where they led me, unless they reflected positively on God or myself, I would ignore them. But, Satan is a subtle little monster who feeds on despair. And I will never give him that satisfaction, as he lay in wait for folks who have hit a wall and start to doubt.
The crumb.
(PS if we ever meet, he is going to give me a lot of payback, because I have dissed him so many times, he'd love to get his hot little hands on me. If we do meet, I hope I get to smack him in the mouth first).
If the Blessed Mother could accept God's will totally, how could I not do the same because I lost a job ... that I hated to start with?? When one writes it down, it is almost impossible to accept my mental state as a true believer. I came to my senses, as best I could. I even feel better.
God has counted the hairs on my head and everyone else's, who has ever lived or is living or will ever live ... and I think He may have forgotten about me for a second? WHAT??? Like He left me in the abyss? If our Blessed Mother could accept such horror, I can't believe what I worry about.
It is over. No matter what, I will pay no heed to doubt. In the short time I have been starting a new direction, I have come up against bureaucracy and reverse discrimination, little tests of my mettle. Jesus shares His cross with those he loves. It can be a crucible (though, in this case, that is a little strong i.e torture vs job loss). Calvary (again a little strong) is a gift to us. The sharing of it brings us close to Him.
I was in the darkness, though briefly. Now, I am in the light, despite the tests to put me back in the dark. I have to listen to people pontificate about why I am not right for a particular job (though I could run circles around them, blindfolded and hogtied). And my family is safe and warm in God's love. I have yet to be tested. I believe I have, but I clearly have not. Perspective is everything. All is well in the hands of God and good with the people He loves. This drama is nothing, comparatively speaking. I understand that now, because I asked Him to make me understand.
And, He did. See how ridiculous doubt is? I'm embarrassed by my behavior. Learn from me. He has me exactly where He wants me, and there is everything right with that. I want it no other way, now or ever.
God Bless,
KJPrice
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Keeping the Faith is an Ongoing Effort
I had a theology class today for about 5 hours. a) I didn't know it would be that long, because I was carefully planning what I was going to eat for lunch when I got there at 9am (this is an continuing effort for me to beat "yesterday's lunch") and b) they said let's skip lunch and work right through. I didn't want to be the only one screaming to be let out, commonly referred to as a "wet blanket". I had thoughts of Mediterranean food dancing in my head. Well, that's what Jesus ate, right??? I am suffering only partial guilt.
The class was great. It was called New Testament Theology and if one teaches CCD, as I do, it was suggested to take it. Sure. How did I know you actually receive a credit in the diocese for being a stellar participant and get a little certificate?? Pay dirt!!! Who knew? I just wanted to be there. I can always learn something. I have 3 other courses to take and I will eat well beforehand now, while keeping the hummus fantasies in check. .
I won't get into the subject matter but the sequence of the gospels is very interesting as well as the communities they were addressing. If you want details, ask me. I was fascinated. I eat this stuff up.
While I was sitting there, I was thinking through the fact I was recently offered early retirement. Read: retire or we will retire you. The market for me dried up. I was actually praying for this day. Then, I got it. I feel pretty dern great except for one little detail: the impatience I have for waiting to find out what meaningful thing I will do next. I have been planning for months, but the timing is not mine. What I was doing, except for the interpersonal side of things, lacked a whole lot of meaning for me; like everyone else's job, I imagine. The work enabled me, however, to do lots of things: nice house, vacations, FOOD, fun, FOOD, volunteer work, FOOD, biking (had a wreck yesterday trying to avoid a turtle. I am not making that up. The poor thing literally peed himself and ran, seriously, ran, for his life. Do you remember the turtle in Bye Bye Birdy that ran the 100 in like 4 seconds? Think that. I have never seen a turtle run like that ... as I was picking gravel out of my backside. My riding partner literally went flying into the woods head first. His bike needs a couple of repairs as does his cerebellum).
But what I was thinking intermittently was what is in store for me. I have no worries about money for a long time; at least 9 months, if not a lot more. Maybe never. So here's the bottom line: if God didn't want me here, I wouldn't be here. I have to stay focused on this. I also have to stay focused on the fact if I am bothered, go to Him and realize, even in a small way, the cross is to be borne. The rebirth awaits, thereafter. How great is that??
I may be writing a sequel to my first book and put them in the same volume in paperback. I may have to travel to Philly in August and I am driving, just like the first Odyssey. New perspectives to be had. Maybe the Idiot actually grew a brain. Part of which I will give to my riding partner, since his is still on the pavement by that poor turtle, who, no doubt, suffered some sort of reptilian heart attack.
Pray for me to be strong in faith. I am asking because I want to. And need to. I can not be deterred. I owe that much, at least.
God bless,
KJPrice
The class was great. It was called New Testament Theology and if one teaches CCD, as I do, it was suggested to take it. Sure. How did I know you actually receive a credit in the diocese for being a stellar participant and get a little certificate?? Pay dirt!!! Who knew? I just wanted to be there. I can always learn something. I have 3 other courses to take and I will eat well beforehand now, while keeping the hummus fantasies in check. .
I won't get into the subject matter but the sequence of the gospels is very interesting as well as the communities they were addressing. If you want details, ask me. I was fascinated. I eat this stuff up.
While I was sitting there, I was thinking through the fact I was recently offered early retirement. Read: retire or we will retire you. The market for me dried up. I was actually praying for this day. Then, I got it. I feel pretty dern great except for one little detail: the impatience I have for waiting to find out what meaningful thing I will do next. I have been planning for months, but the timing is not mine. What I was doing, except for the interpersonal side of things, lacked a whole lot of meaning for me; like everyone else's job, I imagine. The work enabled me, however, to do lots of things: nice house, vacations, FOOD, fun, FOOD, volunteer work, FOOD, biking (had a wreck yesterday trying to avoid a turtle. I am not making that up. The poor thing literally peed himself and ran, seriously, ran, for his life. Do you remember the turtle in Bye Bye Birdy that ran the 100 in like 4 seconds? Think that. I have never seen a turtle run like that ... as I was picking gravel out of my backside. My riding partner literally went flying into the woods head first. His bike needs a couple of repairs as does his cerebellum).
But what I was thinking intermittently was what is in store for me. I have no worries about money for a long time; at least 9 months, if not a lot more. Maybe never. So here's the bottom line: if God didn't want me here, I wouldn't be here. I have to stay focused on this. I also have to stay focused on the fact if I am bothered, go to Him and realize, even in a small way, the cross is to be borne. The rebirth awaits, thereafter. How great is that??
I may be writing a sequel to my first book and put them in the same volume in paperback. I may have to travel to Philly in August and I am driving, just like the first Odyssey. New perspectives to be had. Maybe the Idiot actually grew a brain. Part of which I will give to my riding partner, since his is still on the pavement by that poor turtle, who, no doubt, suffered some sort of reptilian heart attack.
Pray for me to be strong in faith. I am asking because I want to. And need to. I can not be deterred. I owe that much, at least.
God bless,
KJPrice
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Vigilance of God's Angels
I am sure that anyone who reads my blog and I mention riding my bike, one thought must spring to the reader's mind: what did this idiot do to himself this time?? Fair enough. But in my own defense serious biking can create problems like accidents. No, I didn't have one this time. No pigeons to the head either. That's a plus. Or dopey squirrels in my spokes as they run back and forth trying to make up their minds.
When you ride as much as I do, you get to evaluate the behavior of runners, bikers, drivers, vespa-ers, women with hardly any clothes, men with hardly any clothes (though I truly wish some of them would add rather than subtract ... yikes !!!), triathletes, bird feeders, bird feeding triathletes, wannabes, neverweres, couldn'tbes, glad they aints, etc. Quite a cross section.
As I am doing my miles and feeling older by the minute, sometimes my mind wonders. I think about work, family, friends; you know the drill. My real job is not real terrific right now. I mean compared to losing a limb, I guess it is paradise on earth. I was told by someone that before our feet hit the floor in the morning, we should thank God for another day. Another day to love, to forgive, to imitate Him. At night, to do a comparison of how you did. It is a nice habit to get into, and I am trying to stay with it.
Sometimes, I do a rosary as I ride. My brain is so addled, I have to count each decade with each finger as I work the gears. I am sure sometimes I do 9 or 11 or forget a "Glory Be" or say it wrong. I am told the intention is what counts. Boy, I hope so.
Today, before I did the last decade, I said to the Blessed Mother: teach me to trust like you did. Please. Teach me to trust. I give my life to Jesus thru you, Blessed Mother. Please intercede for me.
I was one Hail Mary into my last decade, was riding on the left side of the road past a parked car. It was at that moment, the driver decided to make .... a left. I missed the car by about a foot and went riding up someone's lawn (at 22mph), then over slippery gravel that would have torn me up. No doubt had that person hit me (they didn't even stop, btw), no doubt I would have been splattered all over the windshield and crippled by the bumper. Possibly dead. Very possibly.
Blessed Mother: teach me to trust. Need I say more? His angel saved me. I asked and He sent His angel because the Blessed Mother heard me. What do you think? It was about 15 seconds after I asked.
God bless,
KJPrice
When you ride as much as I do, you get to evaluate the behavior of runners, bikers, drivers, vespa-ers, women with hardly any clothes, men with hardly any clothes (though I truly wish some of them would add rather than subtract ... yikes !!!), triathletes, bird feeders, bird feeding triathletes, wannabes, neverweres, couldn'tbes, glad they aints, etc. Quite a cross section.
As I am doing my miles and feeling older by the minute, sometimes my mind wonders. I think about work, family, friends; you know the drill. My real job is not real terrific right now. I mean compared to losing a limb, I guess it is paradise on earth. I was told by someone that before our feet hit the floor in the morning, we should thank God for another day. Another day to love, to forgive, to imitate Him. At night, to do a comparison of how you did. It is a nice habit to get into, and I am trying to stay with it.
Sometimes, I do a rosary as I ride. My brain is so addled, I have to count each decade with each finger as I work the gears. I am sure sometimes I do 9 or 11 or forget a "Glory Be" or say it wrong. I am told the intention is what counts. Boy, I hope so.
Today, before I did the last decade, I said to the Blessed Mother: teach me to trust like you did. Please. Teach me to trust. I give my life to Jesus thru you, Blessed Mother. Please intercede for me.
I was one Hail Mary into my last decade, was riding on the left side of the road past a parked car. It was at that moment, the driver decided to make .... a left. I missed the car by about a foot and went riding up someone's lawn (at 22mph), then over slippery gravel that would have torn me up. No doubt had that person hit me (they didn't even stop, btw), no doubt I would have been splattered all over the windshield and crippled by the bumper. Possibly dead. Very possibly.
Blessed Mother: teach me to trust. Need I say more? His angel saved me. I asked and He sent His angel because the Blessed Mother heard me. What do you think? It was about 15 seconds after I asked.
God bless,
KJPrice
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Jeanette Dees Urrutia 1951 ~ 2009
It is difficult to even know where to start. So, I just will.
Loyalty is a quality I admire greatly, possibly more than any other (generally, some element of love comes with it). I know what it means to me, personally. I try to live this way and maybe I have; I hope I have. If I were accused of disloyalty, I would question my character. Sometimes there are reasons one must move on, so to speak, but it needs to be a very major moral or ethical one. The small stuff doesn't count.
My friend, and our daughter's godmother, Jeanette, was as loyal as they come. Listen, this woman had other powerful qualities: charisma, charm (I used to call her Scarlett O'Hara), humor, monumental uptightness about some things (which, therefore, made her a target I just could not walk by, and she loved it), smarts, thoughtfullness, and a loving nature. The mold got broken when she died earlier this week of a cerebral accident. And I am getting teary as I type this. I LOVED this woman. She was loyal to me and mine and through thick and thin, we were loyal to her. Sometimes this loyalty was stretched to the breaking point, but it never actually broke. But even in the potential breaking, it was for a greater good: her future.
Jeanette didn't do anything specifically to go out of her way to make me (us) love her devotedly. It just happened. I can't explain it. It had a gravitational pull I couldn't get free of if I tried. It was that powerful. It was a tremendous blessing to me. And, like some other blessings, when given abundantly, it comes with tests. In a way, to whom much is given, much is expected. This was meant another way when Jesus said it, but it fits here, too. It didn't have just one application, that being charity. Though this element exists within this scenario as well. There were times when I was tested and sometimes I didn't appear to come through. In retrospect, I was doing good. because that gravitational pull I mentioned consumed everything. Yes, it was that powerful. And, yes, on the surface was indifference; in my character was total devotion to her. I just didn't know it at the time. It caused me anguish, then. Now it gives me solace. Pain to enlightenment and healing. That is a miracle. And I am grateful for it. And only with God's power is it possible to achieve.
When I cried at the foot of her hospital bed last week, for her and for me, the one essential feeling I couldn't shake was how devoted I was to her. I knew she was dying, if I could read the mind of God. My intuition was right, in this case. I prayed for God to take her. The thought of her suffering was a lot for me to bear. With difficulty, I asked God for His will to be done and not my own. I meant it, but in my heart, I wanted what I wanted for her. Like I should judge this and not the Lord. I'll think about this later, and hopefully chalk it up to the moment. When I knelt in church each morning, I recall asking Him to grant everyone else's petitions before mine. So maybe I did live up to the devotion He expects of His children. I wasn't thinking real clearly then. And who knows what I was thinking. I was partially delirious from my heart hurting. I made myself be nice to people, which is the proper example of Him under stress. I may have even done it.
My J-bird is gone now and there is a hole where she used to be. I have enough experience with death to know it will be filled up again by her. I know this. I'll just miss her bad. I thought I ran out of tears when my dad died. Chalk that up to arrogance. I was in the Valley of Tears, no question. There was no holding them back. Even when I lied my way into the ICU -- family only -- when I told them I was her ex husband and later we never married, just lived together. I know she was laughing her rear end off watching me from her perch in heaven. Listen to that babbling idiot!!!!
J, if it took lies to see you, then so be it. The Great Wall of China couldn't have kept me away or a canceled flight or landing at the wrong airport and taking a shuttle with business people who were "smarter" than the driver. Nothing. I owed you that. And if roles were reversed and you had the wherewithal to come and comfort me and mine and show your loyalty yet again to me, nothing short of Armageddon could have kept you away. This is love and loyalty for 31.5 years I knew I could count on. For the first half year she hated me and thought I wore mascara. I forgive you, J face. And I love you more than you will ever know. Remember this: O31 is Nastursium. Goodbye, my angel, until later. There will never be anyone like you again. I have counted my blessing and I am glad I did.
Loyalty is a quality I admire greatly, possibly more than any other (generally, some element of love comes with it). I know what it means to me, personally. I try to live this way and maybe I have; I hope I have. If I were accused of disloyalty, I would question my character. Sometimes there are reasons one must move on, so to speak, but it needs to be a very major moral or ethical one. The small stuff doesn't count.
My friend, and our daughter's godmother, Jeanette, was as loyal as they come. Listen, this woman had other powerful qualities: charisma, charm (I used to call her Scarlett O'Hara), humor, monumental uptightness about some things (which, therefore, made her a target I just could not walk by, and she loved it), smarts, thoughtfullness, and a loving nature. The mold got broken when she died earlier this week of a cerebral accident. And I am getting teary as I type this. I LOVED this woman. She was loyal to me and mine and through thick and thin, we were loyal to her. Sometimes this loyalty was stretched to the breaking point, but it never actually broke. But even in the potential breaking, it was for a greater good: her future.
Jeanette didn't do anything specifically to go out of her way to make me (us) love her devotedly. It just happened. I can't explain it. It had a gravitational pull I couldn't get free of if I tried. It was that powerful. It was a tremendous blessing to me. And, like some other blessings, when given abundantly, it comes with tests. In a way, to whom much is given, much is expected. This was meant another way when Jesus said it, but it fits here, too. It didn't have just one application, that being charity. Though this element exists within this scenario as well. There were times when I was tested and sometimes I didn't appear to come through. In retrospect, I was doing good. because that gravitational pull I mentioned consumed everything. Yes, it was that powerful. And, yes, on the surface was indifference; in my character was total devotion to her. I just didn't know it at the time. It caused me anguish, then. Now it gives me solace. Pain to enlightenment and healing. That is a miracle. And I am grateful for it. And only with God's power is it possible to achieve.
When I cried at the foot of her hospital bed last week, for her and for me, the one essential feeling I couldn't shake was how devoted I was to her. I knew she was dying, if I could read the mind of God. My intuition was right, in this case. I prayed for God to take her. The thought of her suffering was a lot for me to bear. With difficulty, I asked God for His will to be done and not my own. I meant it, but in my heart, I wanted what I wanted for her. Like I should judge this and not the Lord. I'll think about this later, and hopefully chalk it up to the moment. When I knelt in church each morning, I recall asking Him to grant everyone else's petitions before mine. So maybe I did live up to the devotion He expects of His children. I wasn't thinking real clearly then. And who knows what I was thinking. I was partially delirious from my heart hurting. I made myself be nice to people, which is the proper example of Him under stress. I may have even done it.
My J-bird is gone now and there is a hole where she used to be. I have enough experience with death to know it will be filled up again by her. I know this. I'll just miss her bad. I thought I ran out of tears when my dad died. Chalk that up to arrogance. I was in the Valley of Tears, no question. There was no holding them back. Even when I lied my way into the ICU -- family only -- when I told them I was her ex husband and later we never married, just lived together. I know she was laughing her rear end off watching me from her perch in heaven. Listen to that babbling idiot!!!!
J, if it took lies to see you, then so be it. The Great Wall of China couldn't have kept me away or a canceled flight or landing at the wrong airport and taking a shuttle with business people who were "smarter" than the driver. Nothing. I owed you that. And if roles were reversed and you had the wherewithal to come and comfort me and mine and show your loyalty yet again to me, nothing short of Armageddon could have kept you away. This is love and loyalty for 31.5 years I knew I could count on. For the first half year she hated me and thought I wore mascara. I forgive you, J face. And I love you more than you will ever know. Remember this: O31 is Nastursium. Goodbye, my angel, until later. There will never be anyone like you again. I have counted my blessing and I am glad I did.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
The Day That Changed The World
I always get this feeling on Good Friday. It is painful, when I see our blessed Lord getting throttled. Then I realize that His suffering has purpose. And was predestined by God, the Father, with Christ's concurrence.
Picture this: God Himself humiliated His person by becoming a human being. Additionally, He allowed Himself to beaten to pulp, in order to redeem mankind with His love. He could have called out conflagration to destroy those in the employ of satan; He didn't. Recall this: He suffered so that we may live eternally. Imagine this: someone taking so much punishment .. because He loved you. If that doesn't rock you, nothing will.
This is Easter, the celebration of our Lord's resurrection. After He decesended in hell, in order to give hope to those dwelling there, we can expect the same.
He loves us. Never forget this: our suffering is not without purpose. We take part of His cross. We show our love for Him. What more can we ask? Do more, reflect Him and keep His ministry.
God as a person, imagine this.
God Bless you.
KJPrice
Picture this: God Himself humiliated His person by becoming a human being. Additionally, He allowed Himself to beaten to pulp, in order to redeem mankind with His love. He could have called out conflagration to destroy those in the employ of satan; He didn't. Recall this: He suffered so that we may live eternally. Imagine this: someone taking so much punishment .. because He loved you. If that doesn't rock you, nothing will.
This is Easter, the celebration of our Lord's resurrection. After He decesended in hell, in order to give hope to those dwelling there, we can expect the same.
He loves us. Never forget this: our suffering is not without purpose. We take part of His cross. We show our love for Him. What more can we ask? Do more, reflect Him and keep His ministry.
God as a person, imagine this.
God Bless you.
KJPrice
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