Gee, has it been over two and a half months since I had something even remotely important to say? I guess so. Well, Here's ................ Johnny !!!!
It is amazing how focusing on one's self -- while trying to give one's all to those around you -- can obsess you. That's me. I can't get my mind off where I am. So, as expected, I participate in those exercises that keep me close to what matters: God, and family (and friends). I am in a spot where I would rather do my ministry for the less fortunate than anything else ... like work. I suppose this is why it is called work and not a holiday. I have a new job that will take pioneering (not like covered wagon pioneering -- no way, I stay in nice hotels -- but focused effort, with gratification way delayed). To marketing guys, delayed grat just ain't where it is at.
BUT, I am here, because He wants me here. Somewhere, lurking in the darkness (where it is actually well lighted, but not for me) is an answer to this moment of where I am in time. God, whom I love more than anything, has a clear plan for me. My job, as a human, is not to see it yet. I see pieces, I see what I have been through the last 5 months, the ups and downs, and I see what I am expected to see. I can tell you what I have learned.
He wants dialogue.
He wants me to lean on Him. You are reading the words of a person who is genetically resistant to leaning on anyone. I have to give up that part of myself. I have been doing it, but it is slow and painstaking. The rewards are gigantic, but I am obsessed with today. And, this, too, shall pass.
I was called today by my advocacy group to see if I could be the desk guy on Thursdays at the shelter. Let me give you an idea of how good I am at that: I spent 30 minutes there the other day .. and gave everyone the wrong answer to every question. What if they came back expecting something and I scheduled them wrong? One more twit in the giant bureaucracy standing in their path. I will do it anyway, but I want everyone to know what they are getting. My heart is in the right place, though. And I get tremendous gratification helping anyone, if even in a small way.
I mentor creative writing, but I do have a job that needs attention. I can't be any other way. But, I have to budget my time. Where will I do the most good? I just need to leave this up to the Lord and sit back and wait. I can do this. I will do nothing, without His OK. Nothing. I am where I am, who I am, how I am, with His blessing. I have flaws and I regret them. I owe Him so much more than this. I have to balance my good efforts against my weaker ones. On the ledger sheet in heaven, I hope I am recognized, on balance, of having gone to the good and not to the other. This is the blessing I wish for.
God bless,
KJPrice
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2 comments:
Keith-I read your blog with great compassion. I believe you are too hard on yourself-you give so much of your time and energy to the less fortunate. But you will need to attend to your job as much as it pains you. God brought that into your life as well so it must be given equal attention. Your family must be your priority-you have two kids college age and a hard working wife. You won't feel right with yourself unless you are doing your best to take care of them. With your deep faith-you will prevail but you have to give yourself more credit. You 're doing the best you can. I love you,Shez
Keith-after I read this post, I went back and read the last several. I was sorry for the tribulation in your life at this time, but am in admiration at your ability to turn it over. Even if you feel you are not doing this sufficiently, I think God understands our intentions. We try always to be in control of everything, but really we aren't and I think the only real decision we have to make is to whom we turn over the control. I will add you to my list of people for whom I pray every day, I think invoking St. Christopher to assist you in your effort to find the right path. He's one of my favorites. Keep the faith, old friend. Love you.
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