Jeanette Dees Urrutia 1951 ~ 2009

It is difficult to even know where to start. So, I just will.

Loyalty is a quality I admire greatly, possibly more than any other (generally, some element of love comes with it). I know what it means to me, personally. I try to live this way and maybe I have; I hope I have. If I were accused of disloyalty, I would question my character. Sometimes there are reasons one must move on, so to speak, but it needs to be a very major moral or ethical one. The small stuff doesn't count.

My friend, and our daughter's godmother, Jeanette, was as loyal as they come. Listen, this woman had other powerful qualities: charisma, charm (I used to call her Scarlett O'Hara), humor, monumental uptightness about some things (which, therefore, made her a target I just could not walk by, and she loved it), smarts, thoughtfullness, and a loving nature. The mold got broken when she died earlier this week of a cerebral accident. And I am getting teary as I type this. I LOVED this woman. She was loyal to me and mine and through thick and thin, we were loyal to her. Sometimes this loyalty was stretched to the breaking point, but it never actually broke. But even in the potential breaking, it was for a greater good: her future.

Jeanette didn't do anything specifically to go out of her way to make me (us) love her devotedly. It just happened. I can't explain it. It had a gravitational pull I couldn't get free of if I tried. It was that powerful. It was a tremendous blessing to me. And, like some other blessings, when given abundantly, it comes with tests. In a way, to whom much is given, much is expected. This was meant another way when Jesus said it, but it fits here, too. It didn't have just one application, that being charity. Though this element exists within this scenario as well. There were times when I was tested and sometimes I didn't appear to come through. In retrospect, I was doing good. because that gravitational pull I mentioned consumed everything. Yes, it was that powerful. And, yes, on the surface was indifference; in my character was total devotion to her. I just didn't know it at the time. It caused me anguish, then. Now it gives me solace. Pain to enlightenment and healing. That is a miracle. And I am grateful for it. And only with God's power is it possible to achieve.

When I cried at the foot of her hospital bed last week, for her and for me, the one essential feeling I couldn't shake was how devoted I was to her. I knew she was dying, if I could read the mind of God. My intuition was right, in this case. I prayed for God to take her. The thought of her suffering was a lot for me to bear. With difficulty, I asked God for His will to be done and not my own. I meant it, but in my heart, I wanted what I wanted for her. Like I should judge this and not the Lord. I'll think about this later, and hopefully chalk it up to the moment. When I knelt in church each morning, I recall asking Him to grant everyone else's petitions before mine. So maybe I did live up to the devotion He expects of His children. I wasn't thinking real clearly then. And who knows what I was thinking. I was partially delirious from my heart hurting. I made myself be nice to people, which is the proper example of Him under stress. I may have even done it.

My J-bird is gone now and there is a hole where she used to be. I have enough experience with death to know it will be filled up again by her. I know this. I'll just miss her bad. I thought I ran out of tears when my dad died. Chalk that up to arrogance. I was in the Valley of Tears, no question. There was no holding them back. Even when I lied my way into the ICU -- family only -- when I told them I was her ex husband and later we never married, just lived together. I know she was laughing her rear end off watching me from her perch in heaven. Listen to that babbling idiot!!!!

J, if it took lies to see you, then so be it. The Great Wall of China couldn't have kept me away or a canceled flight or landing at the wrong airport and taking a shuttle with business people who were "smarter" than the driver. Nothing. I owed you that. And if roles were reversed and you had the wherewithal to come and comfort me and mine and show your loyalty yet again to me, nothing short of Armageddon could have kept you away. This is love and loyalty for 31.5 years I knew I could count on. For the first half year she hated me and thought I wore mascara. I forgive you, J face. And I love you more than you will ever know. Remember this: O31 is Nastursium. Goodbye, my angel, until later. There will never be anyone like you again. I have counted my blessing and I am glad I did.