An Early Morning Posting

It is 5:30 right now, though I have been awake for about an hour. Couldn't sleep. Trying to figure out God's plan for me (pah-leese) keeps me up at night.

Will I ever learn? Apparently not.

In some ways, I must be a tough nut to crack. I keep asking what He wants for me, instead of living the life He wants for me. What a pain I must be. Have you ever heard the saying, "Let go, let God"? So simple, a total act of faith.

And I have a problem just ... doing it. Not always, but I do waver. In a word, I want what I want. OK, that is more than 1 word, but you get the idea.

I have to watch money, like a squirrel with acorns. I don't have any issues at all with finances, but the fact I have / had to dip into my liquid savings for 38 cents pisses me off like you can't believe.

So, listen to this logic: I was let go from a job I hated to start with....

I was given a severance....

I started a new job the day my severance ran out....

My income, for now, dropped to one sixth of what it was....

Building this thing up will take time....

I have the patience of a gnat.

That pretty much says it all.

So, what keeps me up at night?

~ well, on my behalf, I was smarter than the confused people I worked with and had been socking money away for a year. This was in anticipation they could do something stupidly shortsighted.

They never failed me yet ...

One can almost always count on corporate stupidity. It is like a disease that affects executives. I have seen it so many times. Probably why I am not there anymore: my contempt was always just below the surface for a few of them. Would I do anything for them, if need be, in love? Yes. Do I like them? Heck no. I acted like a Christian 99% of the time. Maybe it was 20 years of that 1% that did me in.

All I know is I have to think about things I rarely had to think of before. My initial thought is they put me in this position. I was very close with these people and this is how they paid me back. It seems like a contradiction, contempt vs loyalty. Loyalty always prevailed, and this is where it got me, typing at 5:30.

But, if I reflect for just 1 second, I realize they enacted God's plan for me. They were pawns. I say this laughingly, but if I had the chance to tell them this, I am not sure how they'd handle it. It would be spiritually great for them to know this. Maybe they do. I guess this is where our obligation comes in: the need to pray for them to be made aware of exactly how they fit into the plan. Not just as it relates to me, but to Him. Once we submit to that, the rest is window dressing.

I just got an answer I was seeking: my obligation, personally (accept and love) and outwardly (how this initiates forgiveness, a gift of the Holy Spirit). Thank you, Lord. I am sitting here typing and you changed me. This entry was a plea, though I did not know it when I started. As usual, You touched me when I wasn't looking. And I am better for it.

Your plan for me is a perfect one. How I get to where you want me is a journey. You are always there for me. I turn it all over to You. I have kinda almost been there already, but doubt creeps in. A teeny bit can seem like an avalanche. Time I wised up.

The acceptance of His will is everything. Do you see a pattern here??? I have the same entry, it seems, every time, but with a different scenario. It always comes down to this: an increase in faith is needed. When I ask, the Holy Spirit drops on my like a vail. I keep asking and the Holy Spirit keeps descending. Maybe that is the answer, too. Human. Waver. Ask. Get. A cycle, that each time gets easier. Spiritual maturity? Me? Maybe. Maybe I am figuring it all out, with His help. Without it, I am nothing.

God bless,
KJPrice

Quiet Despair is a Terrible Thing, But We Are Never Alone

Please start by reading this poem, and then I will tell you more about it.

"My Concrete Pillow and Bed of Stone"

Here I lay on a mattress of man made stone.

Cold, bare and hungry, nowhere to belong.

Oh, God, please end this wretched pain.

Give me the shelter of angels wings from this tormenting rain.

Master, what have I done to deserve this kind of despair?

Do you really love me; are You even there?

Here I lay, on this mattress of man made stone, with a concrete pillow for my head.

Praying for forgiveness, wishing every moment I were dead.

It seems that I no longer have the strength or will to fight.

I put down my guard to submit, to simply give up.

But my soul refuses to stay down; to say enough is enough.

I will grit my teeth. I will clench my fist. I will stand my own ground.

I will be there, in the front line on the battlefield when the trumpet sounds.

For I am no longer weak.

I am no longer blind.

Nor a slave to any substance.

I will achieve by all means

to come out of this living nightmare, to pursue my dreams.

Along with 3 others (and I have been conflicted with other duties to say I am a regular mentor right now), we have a creative writing class at the homeless shelter. This work is from one of the contributors, Charles Alex Duff. Alex has a story much bigger than this to tell. This is only one aspect. It is easy to read this and see the intellect, which is real, the smarts, also real and wonder how did this happen to him?

I leave these answers to the one who can answer them. We each have a cross to bear (a gift, truly) and this, for now, is his. Our work is to help where we can, probably in small ways, if that. The effort is appreciated by God, and this matters a lot.

Alex and the group came together by God's will. I would never have known Alex or the others, probably. But the gift is present and we need to work it. The next time we look at anyone and sense something is not quite right, we should say a prayer that whatever it is eventually has meaning, and that suffering, as in this case, is not without purpose.

God Bless You,

KJPrice