OK, here it is, right between the eyes for me (as it should be): if the Blessed Mother can stand at the foot of the cross and see her son tortured and murdered, and never question God's will or His methods, who am I to be thinking He forgot about me and that His will does not define my life?
He didn't; it all came from me.
I wavered. I became a mealy mouthed twit. I did not spread the word around, because I wanted to make sure mentally I did not doubt for a second and wished to remain an example to others. This being the least I should take out of this whole experience of job loss.
Mentally, I didn't waver. This was a routine test that I am too smart to acquiesce to. I didn't share my momentary doubts with anyone. I tried to make a pact with myself that my emotions, no matter where they led me, unless they reflected positively on God or myself, I would ignore them. But, Satan is a subtle little monster who feeds on despair. And I will never give him that satisfaction, as he lay in wait for folks who have hit a wall and start to doubt.
The crumb.
(PS if we ever meet, he is going to give me a lot of payback, because I have dissed him so many times, he'd love to get his hot little hands on me. If we do meet, I hope I get to smack him in the mouth first).
If the Blessed Mother could accept God's will totally, how could I not do the same because I lost a job ... that I hated to start with?? When one writes it down, it is almost impossible to accept my mental state as a true believer. I came to my senses, as best I could. I even feel better.
God has counted the hairs on my head and everyone else's, who has ever lived or is living or will ever live ... and I think He may have forgotten about me for a second? WHAT??? Like He left me in the abyss? If our Blessed Mother could accept such horror, I can't believe what I worry about.
It is over. No matter what, I will pay no heed to doubt. In the short time I have been starting a new direction, I have come up against bureaucracy and reverse discrimination, little tests of my mettle. Jesus shares His cross with those he loves. It can be a crucible (though, in this case, that is a little strong i.e torture vs job loss). Calvary (again a little strong) is a gift to us. The sharing of it brings us close to Him.
I was in the darkness, though briefly. Now, I am in the light, despite the tests to put me back in the dark. I have to listen to people pontificate about why I am not right for a particular job (though I could run circles around them, blindfolded and hogtied). And my family is safe and warm in God's love. I have yet to be tested. I believe I have, but I clearly have not. Perspective is everything. All is well in the hands of God and good with the people He loves. This drama is nothing, comparatively speaking. I understand that now, because I asked Him to make me understand.
And, He did. See how ridiculous doubt is? I'm embarrassed by my behavior. Learn from me. He has me exactly where He wants me, and there is everything right with that. I want it no other way, now or ever.
God Bless,
KJPrice
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Keeping the Faith is an Ongoing Effort
I had a theology class today for about 5 hours. a) I didn't know it would be that long, because I was carefully planning what I was going to eat for lunch when I got there at 9am (this is an continuing effort for me to beat "yesterday's lunch") and b) they said let's skip lunch and work right through. I didn't want to be the only one screaming to be let out, commonly referred to as a "wet blanket". I had thoughts of Mediterranean food dancing in my head. Well, that's what Jesus ate, right??? I am suffering only partial guilt.
The class was great. It was called New Testament Theology and if one teaches CCD, as I do, it was suggested to take it. Sure. How did I know you actually receive a credit in the diocese for being a stellar participant and get a little certificate?? Pay dirt!!! Who knew? I just wanted to be there. I can always learn something. I have 3 other courses to take and I will eat well beforehand now, while keeping the hummus fantasies in check. .
I won't get into the subject matter but the sequence of the gospels is very interesting as well as the communities they were addressing. If you want details, ask me. I was fascinated. I eat this stuff up.
While I was sitting there, I was thinking through the fact I was recently offered early retirement. Read: retire or we will retire you. The market for me dried up. I was actually praying for this day. Then, I got it. I feel pretty dern great except for one little detail: the impatience I have for waiting to find out what meaningful thing I will do next. I have been planning for months, but the timing is not mine. What I was doing, except for the interpersonal side of things, lacked a whole lot of meaning for me; like everyone else's job, I imagine. The work enabled me, however, to do lots of things: nice house, vacations, FOOD, fun, FOOD, volunteer work, FOOD, biking (had a wreck yesterday trying to avoid a turtle. I am not making that up. The poor thing literally peed himself and ran, seriously, ran, for his life. Do you remember the turtle in Bye Bye Birdy that ran the 100 in like 4 seconds? Think that. I have never seen a turtle run like that ... as I was picking gravel out of my backside. My riding partner literally went flying into the woods head first. His bike needs a couple of repairs as does his cerebellum).
But what I was thinking intermittently was what is in store for me. I have no worries about money for a long time; at least 9 months, if not a lot more. Maybe never. So here's the bottom line: if God didn't want me here, I wouldn't be here. I have to stay focused on this. I also have to stay focused on the fact if I am bothered, go to Him and realize, even in a small way, the cross is to be borne. The rebirth awaits, thereafter. How great is that??
I may be writing a sequel to my first book and put them in the same volume in paperback. I may have to travel to Philly in August and I am driving, just like the first Odyssey. New perspectives to be had. Maybe the Idiot actually grew a brain. Part of which I will give to my riding partner, since his is still on the pavement by that poor turtle, who, no doubt, suffered some sort of reptilian heart attack.
Pray for me to be strong in faith. I am asking because I want to. And need to. I can not be deterred. I owe that much, at least.
God bless,
KJPrice
The class was great. It was called New Testament Theology and if one teaches CCD, as I do, it was suggested to take it. Sure. How did I know you actually receive a credit in the diocese for being a stellar participant and get a little certificate?? Pay dirt!!! Who knew? I just wanted to be there. I can always learn something. I have 3 other courses to take and I will eat well beforehand now, while keeping the hummus fantasies in check. .
I won't get into the subject matter but the sequence of the gospels is very interesting as well as the communities they were addressing. If you want details, ask me. I was fascinated. I eat this stuff up.
While I was sitting there, I was thinking through the fact I was recently offered early retirement. Read: retire or we will retire you. The market for me dried up. I was actually praying for this day. Then, I got it. I feel pretty dern great except for one little detail: the impatience I have for waiting to find out what meaningful thing I will do next. I have been planning for months, but the timing is not mine. What I was doing, except for the interpersonal side of things, lacked a whole lot of meaning for me; like everyone else's job, I imagine. The work enabled me, however, to do lots of things: nice house, vacations, FOOD, fun, FOOD, volunteer work, FOOD, biking (had a wreck yesterday trying to avoid a turtle. I am not making that up. The poor thing literally peed himself and ran, seriously, ran, for his life. Do you remember the turtle in Bye Bye Birdy that ran the 100 in like 4 seconds? Think that. I have never seen a turtle run like that ... as I was picking gravel out of my backside. My riding partner literally went flying into the woods head first. His bike needs a couple of repairs as does his cerebellum).
But what I was thinking intermittently was what is in store for me. I have no worries about money for a long time; at least 9 months, if not a lot more. Maybe never. So here's the bottom line: if God didn't want me here, I wouldn't be here. I have to stay focused on this. I also have to stay focused on the fact if I am bothered, go to Him and realize, even in a small way, the cross is to be borne. The rebirth awaits, thereafter. How great is that??
I may be writing a sequel to my first book and put them in the same volume in paperback. I may have to travel to Philly in August and I am driving, just like the first Odyssey. New perspectives to be had. Maybe the Idiot actually grew a brain. Part of which I will give to my riding partner, since his is still on the pavement by that poor turtle, who, no doubt, suffered some sort of reptilian heart attack.
Pray for me to be strong in faith. I am asking because I want to. And need to. I can not be deterred. I owe that much, at least.
God bless,
KJPrice
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