Long Night's Journey Into Day

OK, here it is, right between the eyes for me (as it should be): if the Blessed Mother can stand at the foot of the cross and see her son tortured and murdered, and never question God's will or His methods, who am I to be thinking He forgot about me and that His will does not define my life?

He didn't; it all came from me.

I wavered. I became a mealy mouthed twit. I did not spread the word around, because I wanted to make sure mentally I did not doubt for a second and wished to remain an example to others. This being the least I should take out of this whole experience of job loss.

Mentally, I didn't waver. This was a routine test that I am too smart to acquiesce to. I didn't share my momentary doubts with anyone. I tried to make a pact with myself that my emotions, no matter where they led me, unless they reflected positively on God or myself, I would ignore them. But, Satan is a subtle little monster who feeds on despair. And I will never give him that satisfaction, as he lay in wait for folks who have hit a wall and start to doubt.

The crumb.

(PS if we ever meet, he is going to give me a lot of payback, because I have dissed him so many times, he'd love to get his hot little hands on me. If we do meet, I hope I get to smack him in the mouth first).

If the Blessed Mother could accept God's will totally, how could I not do the same because I lost a job ... that I hated to start with?? When one writes it down, it is almost impossible to accept my mental state as a true believer. I came to my senses, as best I could. I even feel better.

God has counted the hairs on my head and everyone else's, who has ever lived or is living or will ever live ... and I think He may have forgotten about me for a second? WHAT??? Like He left me in the abyss? If our Blessed Mother could accept such horror, I can't believe what I worry about.

It is over. No matter what, I will pay no heed to doubt. In the short time I have been starting a new direction, I have come up against bureaucracy and reverse discrimination, little tests of my mettle. Jesus shares His cross with those he loves. It can be a crucible (though, in this case, that is a little strong i.e torture vs job loss). Calvary (again a little strong) is a gift to us. The sharing of it brings us close to Him.

I was in the darkness, though briefly. Now, I am in the light, despite the tests to put me back in the dark. I have to listen to people pontificate about why I am not right for a particular job (though I could run circles around them, blindfolded and hogtied). And my family is safe and warm in God's love. I have yet to be tested. I believe I have, but I clearly have not. Perspective is everything. All is well in the hands of God and good with the people He loves. This drama is nothing, comparatively speaking. I understand that now, because I asked Him to make me understand.

And, He did. See how ridiculous doubt is? I'm embarrassed by my behavior. Learn from me. He has me exactly where He wants me, and there is everything right with that. I want it no other way, now or ever.

God Bless,
KJPrice